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Old 04-20-2011, 09:29 AM   #1
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Jokes

I want to hear some of the best jokes you have heard/came up with. And don't worry about typing a lot, it won't hurt you. Unless you are in a cast or something, then I understand. And please use proper grammar.

Three men are sifting through ruins and find a lamp. So one of them rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.

The genie tells them that since there are three men, they each get one wish.

So man one goes, "Genie for my wish, I wish that everyone else on the earth, besides us three were attractive females." *Woosh*

Genie says, "Done".

Man two goes, "I wish that all the attractive females were easy, put out, were clean, etc."

Genie, "Done".

Man three starts to laugh, so the genie asks him what is so funny.

Man three says, "I wish those two were gay".
Old 04-20-2011, 01:23 PM   #2
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Re: Jokes

Fella, you are whorin this place up.
Old 04-20-2011, 01:53 PM   #3
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Re: Jokes

Just keepin stuff alive. And when there is nothing to do at work, I get really bored.
Old 04-20-2011, 09:44 PM   #4
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Re: Jokes

Geenie joke- three men land on an island (black, white, and mexican) and find a geenie lamp. they open it and he says i'll grant you each one wish. The black walks up and says i wish for all of my people to go back to africa and live in peace. Poof wish granted.
The mexican walks up and asks "i wish for all of my people to go back to mexico and live in peace" poof wish granted
The white walks up and asks "well you granted my previous wish, i'll take a coke"

A Priest and a Rabbi see this kid bend over to tie his shoe. The priest says to the Rabbi, Hey lets **** that kid. The Rabbi says "out of what?"

This is my favorite joke ever.... What kind of File makes a small hole into a big hole.......................................... A Pedophile!

Why do mexicans drive low riders- so they can cruise and pick cabbage

Whats the difference between a dead dog and a dead black in the road. The dog has skidmarks in front of it.
Old 04-20-2011, 10:23 PM   #5
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Re: Jokes

Why don't women pee first thing in the morning? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Old 04-20-2011, 10:28 PM   #6
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Re: Jokes

A man is trying to teach his son how to help with day to day buisness in the family's store,so the man tells the son, "boy,today I am going to teach you about plus selling.....just watch and learn" the next customer comes in and asks for fertilizer,for his lawn,the man points him toward it, and when the customer returns the shopowner says "that's really gonna make that lawn thicken up--I hope your lawnmower is up to mowing it" well the logic works on the customer and he buys a mower to go with his fertilizer. Once the customer leaves the father tells his boy" You see ,that is plus selling-now you try it. " The next customer,a tall irritated looking guy, dashes into the store and asks for directions to the tampons-the son gives the directions and waits proudly for the customer to return to show off his new skills. As the guy with tampons is trying to rush to pay for the item the son tells the man "you know a lawnmower would go well with those" To which the customer replies "why the **** would a lawnmower go with these tampons?" The store owner's son quickly responds "Well, I figured since you won't be getting any pussy-you might as well mow your grass."
Old 04-20-2011, 10:54 PM   #7
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Re: Jokes

^lmfao
Old 04-20-2011, 11:04 PM   #8
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by BrandonR
Fella, you are whorin this place up.
1. this thread seems like a good idea. could get pretty entertaining.

2. you haven't been a member much longer than him and have nearly five thousand more posts. imjustsaying.
Old 04-20-2011, 11:11 PM   #9
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^ i agree. WTF is whoring this place up anyhow. ITS AN OFF TOPIC FORUM. Why do people think they set the rules of the forum and can dictate what classifies as "worthy" in this forum. If he meant that he is posting to many threads who cares. This forum is for entertainment
Old 04-20-2011, 11:26 PM   #10
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Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't **** her."


One minitrucker tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a bagged truck for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"
Old 04-21-2011, 12:57 AM   #11
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by diamondbackjo
2. you haven't been a member much longer than him and have nearly five thousand more posts. imjustsaying.
He doesn't even have two thousand posts, how can he have five thousand more than the OP? imjustsaying.
Old 04-21-2011, 01:24 AM   #12
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Re: Jokes

gay joke
two gay men are having sex on the beach(literally) and all of a sudden lightning strikes them, which one goes to hell first????? the one on the bottom, because he already has his shit packed......

how do you know if your at a gay bbq, when the wieners taste like shit....

whats the difference between a fridge and a gay man, the fridge dosnt fart when you pull the meat out
Old 04-21-2011, 08:06 AM   #13
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Re: Jokes

There is this couple that have been together for 20 years. And whenever they get intimate the man insists on turning the lights off.

So one night they start to get intimate and he lunges up and turns of the lights before hand. So she decided she wanted to surprise him and turn the lights on quickly when he started to have sex with her.

He starts to go down on her and is going at it for a couple of minutes when BAM, she turns the lights on to see him using a dildo on her. In a rage, she jumps up.

He says, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids".
Old 04-21-2011, 08:38 AM   #14
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by Merritt
He doesn't even have two thousand posts, how can he have five thousand more than the OP? imjustsaying.
i got ahead of myself when i was typing. i meant five times more*.
:facepalm:
Old 04-21-2011, 06:26 PM   #15
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Re: Jokes

Hooligan.

Best joke ever IMO
Old 04-22-2011, 05:26 AM   #16
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Re: Jokes

Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? ...... So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Old 04-22-2011, 07:24 AM   #17
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Re: Jokes

Womens rights.

Whats the difference between a Jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.
Old 04-22-2011, 01:32 PM   #18
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Re: Jokes

What sucks about being Black and Jewish. You have to sit in the back of the oven
Difference between jews and pizza's- Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven
Why do showheads have 11 holes? because jews only had 10 fingers
Old 04-22-2011, 02:10 PM   #19
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Re: Jokes

Why did the cow put lipstick on his head? He couldnt Makeup his mind.
Old 04-22-2011, 08:02 PM   #20
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by bagged94s10
Why did the cow put lipstick on his head? He couldnt Makeup his mind.
aww, how clean.
Old 04-22-2011, 08:13 PM   #21
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by Super Stroker
There is this couple that have been together for 20 years. And whenever they get intimate the man insists on turning the lights off.

So one night they start to get intimate and he lunges up and turns of the lights before hand. So she decided she wanted to surprise him and turn the lights on quickly when he started to have sex with her.

He starts to go down on her and is going at it for a couple of minutes when BAM, she turns the lights on to see him using a dildo on her. In a rage, she jumps up.

He says, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids".







lmao thats funny as hell
Old 04-22-2011, 08:31 PM   #22
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Quote: Originally Posted by I want a Syclone
A Priest and a Rabbi see this kid bend over to tie his shoe. The priest says to the Rabbi, Hey lets **** that kid. The Rabbi says "out of what?"
Old 04-23-2011, 01:12 PM   #23
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Re: Jokes

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. One US official asked Chief Two Eagles.
“You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, were did the white
man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:

“When white man found land,
Indians running it.
No Taxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women Did All The Work,
Medicine Man Free,
Indian Man Spend All Day Hunting And
Fishing,
All Night Having “Sex.”
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled….
“Only white man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that.”
Old 04-23-2011, 01:41 PM   #24
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Re: Jokes

TWO STATUES


There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a

nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway

for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from

the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel

tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred

blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for

thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at

her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The

angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After

fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel

tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, Would you care to do it

again?" He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!

But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and

you shit on its head."



Couple of my favorites from an old joke thread
Old 04-26-2011, 05:28 AM   #25
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Re: Jokes

What do you call a gay guy in a wheel chair?......Rolaids
Old 04-26-2011, 09:13 AM   #26
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Re: Jokes

A blonde, brunette, and red head are running from the cops.

In their travels they find a barn, so they run inside. Inside the barn are three sacks. They each hide in one sack.

The cops run into the barn to try to see if the girls ran in there. They see the three sacks on the floor so one cop goes up to the sack with the brunette and kicks it.

"Woof" says the brunette. So the cop thinks it's only a dog.

The cop goes to the second sack with the red head and kicks that one.

"Meow" says the red head. So given, the cop assumes it's only a cat.

So the cop goes up to the last sack with the blonde and kicks it.

"Potatoes".
Old 04-26-2011, 09:20 AM   #27
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A guy goes out to drink at a bar. It's been a rough night and what-not, so he has to blow off steam.

While the guy is drinking another guy walks up to him and sits down at the stool next to him.

"Want to know something cool about this building" asks the guy.

"I guess so" says the other one.

"Follow me".

So the two men go to the roof. A friend also follows.

"Okay, the cool thing is that if you stand on the ledge and count to five, then jump. After five seconds you automatically fly back up. Here, I'll show you".

So he counts to five, jumps, and then after five seconds of falling flies back up.

"See. Now you try it."

So the other man climbs up on the ledge, counts to five and jumps...



He's falling...





Falling....




5 Seconds go by and...






Splat. He slams into the pavement below.





So the friend goes to the guy and says, "You know. You're really a dick when you're drunk Superman".
Old 04-26-2011, 11:59 AM   #28
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Re: Jokes

^lol.
How do you get 4 fags onto one bar stool? Turn it over.
Old 04-26-2011, 12:21 PM   #29
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Re: Jokes

how do you starve a black man, you hide his welfare check in his work boots
Old 04-26-2011, 12:29 PM   #30
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Re: Jokes

What's the difference between a black man and a bench?


A bench can support a family of 4.
Old 04-26-2011, 12:30 PM   #31
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Re: Jokes

LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.


This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S. S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.
Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotchaboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.



GO NAVY
Old 04-26-2011, 12:32 PM   #32
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Re: Jokes

The Magic Green Hat

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat.





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!
Old 04-26-2011, 12:33 PM   #33
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Re: Jokes

Haha
Old 04-26-2011, 01:06 PM   #34
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Re: Jokes

^^^I've seen it work in real life here.
Old 04-26-2011, 01:15 PM   #35
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Re: Jokes

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Old 04-26-2011, 01:52 PM   #36
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Re: Jokes

DOING THE CHORES

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

50 YEAR SENTENCE
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!

NEW MERCEDES OWNER
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Old 04-26-2011, 02:03 PM   #37
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Re: Jokes

I like that cop one
Old 04-26-2011, 02:08 PM   #38
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It was a mailman's last day on the job.

He walks up to his first house and they give him a dozen flowers as a parting gift.

He walks up to the second house and the give him a fruit basket as a parting gift.

He then is carrying quite a few gifts as he gets to one of his last houses. As he knocks on the door, a scantily clad woman answer the door.

She then drags him inside and upstairs and proceeds to have intense sex with him. After a few sessions, they go downstairs and she cooks them both breakfast.

He goes, "That was amazing. The best gift I have ever gotten."

So they sit down and eat. When he finishes, he lifts up his plate to hand it to her and sees a dollar bill underneath. "What is this for" he asks.

She replies, "Last night I asked my husband what to get you as a parting gift. He said just **** him, give him a dollar... The breakfast was my idea".
Old 04-26-2011, 02:11 PM   #39
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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Old 04-26-2011, 02:13 PM   #40
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Old 04-26-2011, 02:17 PM   #41
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Re: Jokes

yall heard the joke about the pencil?... It was pointless
on the news i saw there was a kid napping... he woke up
there was a fire at the circuse... it was intense
so 2 muffins are in a oven, one says man its hot inhere, the other says holt shit a talkin muffin.
two gold fish are in a tank, one saya to the other, how do u drive this thing.
Old 04-26-2011, 02:24 PM   #42
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Three men die and go to heaven.

The gate keeper tells each man that in heaven you get means of transportation based on how faithful you were to your lovemate.

So the first guy walks up onto the testing platform and says, "I never cheated on my wife once". A ferrari appears out of nowhere and he goes off.

The second man steps up and says, "I only cheated a couple times". Out comes a Miata and he drives off.

The third man steps up and is in tears. Gate Keeper asks him if he has cheated a lot and that is why he is crying. The man replies, "No. I just saw my wife go by on roller blades".
Old 04-26-2011, 02:29 PM   #43
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A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
Old 04-26-2011, 02:39 PM   #44
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Re: Jokes

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.
Old 04-26-2011, 03:03 PM   #45
Littering And?
 
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Re: Jokes

^lol. Why did the fag get fired from the sperm bank? Drinking on the Job.

A fag walks up to another fag in the bar and asks "may i push your stool in?"

After a night of gay sex with his boyfriend walks down in the morning to find his boyfriend wanking it into a ziplock bag. He asks "what are you doing?", and his boyfriend says "packing your launch"

what did the alabama shariff call the black man who was shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he ever saw

why to blacks stink? So blind people can hate them too

Why do jews have big noses? Because air is free
Old 04-26-2011, 08:59 PM   #46
one of a kind
 
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Re: Jokes

A blonde and brunette where watching the 9 o clock news and the top story was about this guy that was going to jump off the roof of a building, the brunette bet the blonde 50 bucks that he would jump, the blond agreed to the bet. Well sure enough the guy jumped and the blond payed up, but feeling guilty, the brunette told the blonde that she can just take her money back since she had seen the 5 o'clock news and already new the outcome. The blonde said she had seen the same thing, but didnt think the guy would jump again.
Old 04-26-2011, 11:21 PM   #47
Better post-em.
 
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Re: Jokes

lol i know too many racist jokes...

What kind of bees make milk?.................BOOBIES!

What do a tornado and a black man have in common? Only takes one to f*** up the neighborhood.

Black people remind me of christmas lights; their all chained together, only half of em work , and they look good hanging from a string


Whats black and white and flopping around on the beach? Black guy fighting with a seagull over a carp




Dont ever question a drunk;
A woman was in line at a grocery store. She put a gallon of milk, dozen eggs, pound of bacon, bag of chips, and a bag of lettuce on the conveyor. While waiting an inebriated man came up behind her and after looking at her items for a few minutes he proclaimed, lady i bet your single.

Puzzled by him and how he knew she was in fact single just by looking at the stuff she was buying she said, yes i am single how did you know by just looking at the stuff im buying?

He replied because your ****ing ugly!
Old 04-26-2011, 11:56 PM   #48
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Re: Jokes

One gay guy walked up to another in a bar and said "Can I push up your stool?"
Old 04-27-2011, 12:00 PM   #49
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Re: Jokes

Quote: Originally Posted by I want a Syclone
A fag walks up to another fag in the bar and asks "may i push your stool in?"

Quote: Originally Posted by postal
One gay guy walked up to another in a bar and said "Can I push up your stool?"

Old 04-27-2011, 09:07 PM   #50
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Re: Jokes

how do you keep a black person out of your backyard? hang one in the front....sorry i had to.

anyone have any white jokes?
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